A report now says that the "Mozart effect" is a fraud
[Report]

For you urban professionals, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his/her IQ or
help get into that exclusive pre-school!
Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders
what might happen if other composers were played in their developmental time instead?

LISZT EFFECT:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT:
Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT:
Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT:
Child continually screams - at great length and volume that he's dying

SCHOENBERG EFFECT:
Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary.
Sometimes talks backwards. Child blames people for their inability to understand him.

BIRTWISTLE EFFECT:
Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him.
Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT:
Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT:
Child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT:
Child is prone to savage, guttaral and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting
and pandemonium in the pre-school.

BRAHMS EFFECT:
Child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words
(3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

And then of course,
THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING FOR 4 MINUTES, 33 SECONDS.
PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS.
   (with acknowledgements)

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